Excerpts from Chapters 1 - 3

EXCEPT FROM CHAPTER ONE

He started coming around about thirteen years ago. Our first encounter took place in a dream. I was lost, sitting on the ground in the middle of the woods. I marveled at the uninhibited wildlife and for the first time in my life I didn’t envy the freedom others seemed to enjoy so much, and I longed to experience. I looked into the dense mass of trees and watched the animals play. I saw birds singing, lighting and flitting from one branch to another. There were nests with baby birds waiting to be fed by their mothers and spider webs that glistened from the touch of a ray of sunlight. The webs were larger than any I’d ever seen before yet they were intricately and delicately crafted. They were so magnificent you would have thought that only a master artist could have imagined and brought to life such beautiful designs.

With an overwhelming feeling of comfort and great satisfaction I nestled into the ground and lay bare on the long, wet blades of grass. The grass was so tall it almost covered my body. It was still wet from the morning dew yet its blades were sharp and cutting. Still, to the animals that occupied the plain it was comforting and restful.

In that moment, I became more aware of the artistry and beauty of an untouched nature. My surroundings were both provocative and soothing. Everything had a meaning and a specific purpose…even the dead carcasses that lay decaying on the ground. They would fertilize and feed the earth so the plants and trees would grow healthy and strong and all the animals of the world would have the vital foods they need to exist. I thought long and hard about life and how everything came to be. I realized the hands of God had beautifully crafted the scenery and everything in it…including me. Everything was pure, clean, and unharmed by the effects of man.

A feeling of dread and alarm raced through me for an instant. I sat upright; perfectly still, unsure of whether I was capable of moving or what I should have been doing at that moment. I looked at the lower part of my body but I wasn’t sure of what I was seeing. I can only assume now what I saw were my legs. I was cold and an overwhelming weakness saturated my lower body. It was numb and didn’t feel like it was a part of me. I looked up at the sky and, again, for a moment, I got caught up in the beauty and freedom of the life forms around me. The insects and birds flying through the air, large and small animals, and what seemed to be millions of micro biotic organisms moving through the grassy plain captivated me. The trees were alive and waving in the warm, soft breeze that blew over me. I felt the life-giving energy of the sun as it gently warmed and caressed me. The birds circled the sky and whistled soothing sounds that made me feel rested and comfortable.

The invasive steps of an intruder rudely interrupted the sounds of nature - the birds singing, the wind blowing and the numerous sounds made by the animals in the wooded area. And, even though the dew moistened the grass I heard crackling sounds, twigs snapping and leaves being crushed. The birds screamed out warnings of the intruder and flew away in flocks. There were so many birds they created a dark blanket across the sky as they moved away. Still I sat there. A strange feeling, a combination of calm, fear and strength came over me and I listened attentively for any sound that was not a natural part of my environment. Directed by my sense of smell I turned and looked to the south in the direction of the dense trees. I sat perfectly still and waited for the intruder to emerge and come to me.

Excerpt from CHAPTER TWO

He came back about a year and a half later. This time I was not dreaming. It was the fall of the year and it had been unseasonably cold. The time had just moved back an hour so it got dark outside quicker. It was about seven thirty in the evening and the absence of light from the broken streetlights made it seem darker and later. It felt like midnight and it was almost pitch black outside. My car had been in the shop for repair for two weeks and I had to catch a bus to and from work each day. The bus let me off at the bottom of the hill on Euclid Avenue. To get home I had to walk about an eighth of a mile up Superior Hill. Superior Hill was a long, steep hill shrouded on both sides by woods where untamed animals lurked and dark towers with long, winding driveways hidden behind seven-foot high bushes and steel gates loomed.

Most nights I didn’t mind the walk up the hill because another woman who lived in the building walked home with me each night. She and I talked so much about the lives of some of the people in the building it felt like we were at home a minute or two after stepping off of the bus. We were so caught up in the weekly gossip that fear never entered our minds. But, that day she didn’t get on the bus…and I panicked. I was paranoid and frightened and I didn’t want the bus to stop at all. I certainly didn’t want to get off of it. I hated myself for being such a coward, for being so dependent upon everyone else for my safety. I hated the fact I was strangled by the possibilities of what could happen and I was held in a tight grip of fear because every little thing seemed to hold an ominous, treacherous ending for me in my mind. I dreaded the darkness of the night and the dark possibilities that lay ahead.

I saw another bus a few blocks away. I prayed the woman would be on that one and I waited at the bus stop with my fingers crossed and my eyes closed tight. I was deep in prayer when the bus pulled to the curve. I peeked through my eyelashes hoping to see her step off the bus. The driver stopped only to see if I wanted to get on. My heart felt like it had dropped to my feet. I shook my head, no, and I took a deep breath. As I lifted my head to measure the distance up the hill I could feel the fear take hold and begin to paralyze each part of my body. After a few seconds, I felt totally and completely incapable of moving. I heard someone screaming, “You have to move. You can’t stay here all night. Something will get you just as sure as your name is Sarissa. Come on girl, you don’t have a choice. MOOOOOOOVE!”

The voice was so loud and clear it shook me and made me jump. I turned around in a complete circle looking for the person who screamed at me. No one was there…my mind was playing tricks on me…screaming at me, scaring me…but it gave me what I needed to move off of that spot.

My first steps were hard to make. My foot was heavy and my legs were wobbly and weak. It was difficult to move. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and my head was light. My throat had a big lump in it and my hands were beginning to sweat. I tried to envision myself walking through the door of my apartment but my eyes kept scanning the dark street and dreary buildings that loomed over me. I took a big gulp and started to walk, fast, up the hill. As I moved farther up the hill and closer to my apartment I began to feel strange. Suddenly, I was looking through bright, yellow orbs. I could see the large brown snout in front of my face again. The fear that had built up in me began diminishing until it disappeared all together. A feeling of uninhibited power penetrated my being. I was bubbling over with confidence like a teapot filled to the brim, its water bubbling over when the water reaches the boiling point. My mind was racing with new thoughts of courage and things to do on the way home. I wanted everyone to know how powerful and courageous I felt and I wanted to be seen and heard. I threw my head back and bayed loud to announce my presence to all who had ears to hear within a half-mile radius of where I stood. I felt my chest expand as I inhaled the cold air into my strong lungs. I could see my large, muscular, hairy shoulders moving in precision as I walked up the hill. I felt free and strong. Without a doubt I was in control. My eyes were facing forward but I could see everything going on around me. I was happy to embrace the wolf this time. I slowed my gait so I could extend my time out and enjoy more of the cool, night air. The darkness of the night was no longer intimidating nor was it frightening. The dark sky held more beauty, peace and security in it than ever before. The stars looked like bright white and blue diamonds strewn randomly across a black velvet backdrop and the moon was full and clear. I saw very few cars and hardly any people. I enjoyed every second of the time I spent walking up the hill that night.

Excertp from CHAPTER THREE

My happy mood faded when I opened the door to my apartment building. Experiencing the wolf made me realize I had no freedoms at home. I felt trapped like a caged animal. It was a miserable, constrained existence and I wanted to feel free like the wolf. I got on the elevator but didn’t push the button so I could savor the feeling of freedom a few minutes longer. Finally, I pushed the button for the twenty-first floor. I got off of the elevator and walked up the stairwell to the twenty-sixth floor just to extend the time before I’d have to go into my apartment. I exited the stairwell, turned to the right, took five steps and stood in front of my apartment door. I stood there and let out a long, belabored sigh as I stuck the key into the keyhole. I could hear the locks on my neighbor’s door unlatch and the door creaking open. I looked over at his door and it was just slightly ajar. Still, I could see him peeking at me through the small crack in the door. The subtle scent of Aramis seduced my nostrils and filled me with pleasant thoughts of being held gently by the man of my dreams … the one who had yet to exist in my life. I stuck my tongue out at him and he jumped away from the door, letting it open completely. I heard him fall over his furniture and curse as he hit the floor. Next I heard glass breaking and more cursing. I laughed at my neighbor as I turned the key. I let the door creak open slowly. The thought of going in saddened and frustrated me. I didn’t want to face the dreary, unhappy life that awaited me. I wanted to go back outside and become the wolf again. I needed that feeling of freedom.

Through the small opening in the door I smelled the scent of an unclean woman drowning in Coco Chanel perfume. I swung the door open and there she was - an unclean woman sitting on my sofa. I wanted to scream, “You’re supposed to wash your stinking butt before you put Chanel on.” but I forced myself to smile at her. Next to her was Robert, my husband, Jerry’s, best friend. Beads of sweat popped out of his forehead and he had a strange look on his face. The stinking woman sat there rolling her eyes up and down, looking me over. For a second my imagination took over and I saw myself slapping her so hard her eyes stuck in that position, at the top of her head looking up. I let out another long sigh but this time it was like a sigh of relief. I didn’t feel trapped like before nor did I feel the need to patronize them. Any other time I would have forced myself to be polite. I would have offered to refresh their drinks and then I would have gone into another room to prepare the paperwork for the audition I was holding that night. This time it was different. I felt offended, fed up and I was not going to take it. I was not stupid and I wanted Jerry to know I knew what was going on.

Films of smoke covered the apartment and me. That stinking woman sat there puffing her stinking cigarette and looking at me as though I had no right to be there. The stink that covered her didn’t mix well with the Chanel. I wanted to throw up when I walked into the room. Music was playing low and the lights were dimmed. The stinking woman looked at me and smiled a devious, half twisted smile. Then she shook her head to rearrange her hair. She took her lipstick out of her purse, licked her lips and stared at me as she pretended to reapply her lipstick. She smacked and popped her lips, looked at me and started laughing. She put her lipstick back in her purse and settled back into my sofa in a way that made it look like she was becoming more comfortable and preparing for a long stay. Still fixing his clothes, Jerry came, almost running, from the bedroom to greet me. He had a strange look on his face. The woman had a look of disdain on hers.

Jerry looked at the two of them and nervously said, “So, are we ready to go?” Then he looked at me and spoke as he exhaled a long sigh of relief, “I’ll be home a little late. You got rehearsal tonight, don’t you? I may come down there.”

Jerry and Robert grabbed their coats and hurriedly put them on. They were rushing around like rats running from a cat but the woman took her time putting her coat on. She rolled her eyes at me, laughed a few times and moved slowly toward the door.